If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize