And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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