Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
