also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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