Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
