you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
