My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
