Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
