My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
