I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
