I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
