My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Randomize
