Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
They have beer where we have blood.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
