So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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