I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
