He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize