She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
