Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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