M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Say something about gay babies.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
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