I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
