Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
