The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
