Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I'm bleeding and have questions
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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