I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
