The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Randomize
