highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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