She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
