You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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