he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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