my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
