I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
