if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
