Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
he fucked my hip out of place.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
