Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I smell like Dick and happiness
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
