farters have to be the big spoon...
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Two words: blizzard sex
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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