Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Actions speak louder than pants.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
