I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
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