It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
