mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
