His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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