# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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