i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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