you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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