I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
