i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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