It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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