I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
