dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
She made me pour olive oil on her.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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