The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
