My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
