Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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