god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
