He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
