The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
