Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
