Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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