Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize