I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
