Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Randomize
